I've had a busy day of signing up for a damned gym membership and whatnot. It's been too many years. I proceeded to work out, while Silas was busy in Kid Land, or whatever it's called. And, of course, while attempting to look like I knew how to work these new treadmills, I hear my name being called over a loud-speaker at LA Fitness. "Anna, please come to Kid Land." Seriously. I knew that was coming. Apparently, he needed to go potty and needed help. I guess they don't "help" them potty. Poor gal, I'm sure she thought she was going to have to push his "birdie" down or something. In any case, I made it there and helped my Mosey do the deed. Then, I got back to exercising. Big mistake. I should have taken the cue from Silas and aborted mission. My ass is quaking as I type and I just know that I'm gonna be in major pain tomorrow whilst trying to make people pretty. Oh well. In a few weeks, I'll be able to serve drinks off my butt! If not, there are still the new foobs...
While trying to wind down for the evening, I put on one of my favorite Sigur Ros CDs. I haven't played music in the house in so long. Did it today for most of the afternoon. Silas and I danced and cleaned up to ACDC and Led Zeplin. I mean, WE CLEANED.
But, hearing this CD, as I type, gives me chills. I've not played it (I don't think) since chemo. It was the main CD I played when I was soaking in the bath at night during treatment. I would turn off the lights in the bathroom, light a candle, and meditate. I'd try to focus on the mastectomy site and pray that it was free of cancer forever. I remember Kevin, Silas, and my sister Allie being in the living room. I remember feeling so alone, even though they were a few feet away from me. Chemo plays crazy tricks on your mind. Puts your mind in a world all on its own, even though you are sitting there with other people. One particular song, I would play over and over. It's hauntingly beautiful. My meditation song. However, Sigur Ros is an Icelandic band. I've got absolutely NO clue what they keep repeating. But, it's always sounded like "You sigh alone." I know that's not it. But, every time I hear it, it fits EXACTLY what I'm going through in my life at that exact moment. As soon as this song came on tonight, it ALL rushed back. So bizarre. But, I cannot help but keep repeating the song, as it's so beautiful. And, I've missed it.
Music heals. It always will.
I sit here with Willie on my lap ... that's my cat, you perverts. I sit here and am so happy for what I have. But, am haunted by what all us cancer-club girls have gone through ... and what our families and friends have gone through with us. Haunted by our "new normal", for what we've lost, for WHO we've lost, and for what's to come.
However, I'm not "sighing alone," no matter what those damned Icelandic harpies might say. I have the greatest support in the WORLD. Don't challenge. You'll lose.
xoxo,
Anna
p.s. If you've not heard Sigur Ros, look them up on the interweb. They are beyond comparison.
