What if ...

.... I died tomorrow?
What if I died when I was 90?
I've been thinking a lot, of late, about how we come full circle in life.  I think I've been spurred on by some really wacky things (anomalies/coincidences).
Of course, my dad's passing has weighed on me ... more than I think I've been willing to admit and address.
But, it's ALWAYS THERE.  Always.
It seems that I cannot make a move or think a thought without having to tell myself "you've got ONE shot at this shit storm that is life, Anna.  Fuck the clouds.  Enjoy the sweet rain that they bring."
I want to look back at my life and myself and my actions and know that I did right by those that I respect, love, and admire.  For, those are the people that matter most.
I, also, want Silas to know the same.
He's at an age, now, that he WILL remember the actions or inactions of those close to him.  He is already beginning to recognize and form opinions about this.
I want my son to be proud of me ... no matter at what age I take my last breath.
I want him to know that I've loved him more that ANYONE in this beautiful universe.
I want him to know that life does throw you many a curve-ball.  But, that doesn't mean that the ball was necessarily aimed at you.  It's just that the person throwing the ball had REALLY SHITTY AIM.
And, shame on those that throw that ball into the world of beautiful souls ... especially children.
I will ALWAYS make sure my son is cared for, protected, and loved.
But, most of all, I want him to know how very proud I am of him ...

xoxo,
Anna

Sending lots of love to the Roland family...

Found out yesterday that my sweet girlfriend from high school is aching.
She and her sis are dear pals of mine from "olden" high school days.
Her folks were such loving souls and so kind and loving to me.
Erin e-mailed yesterday to let me know that her father had many brain tumors and that she needed someone that had gone through the "cancer stuffs" to get some input.
Her precious Daddy was diagnosed with multiple Glioblastomas ... malignant brain tumors.
I know him to be one of the most affectionate, loving, and funny people that I've ever met.
He has gone through surgery to remove what they could reach.  He moves on, soon, to chemo and radiation.
As he is stage 4, he will have a long road ahead of him in his fight.
But, I do believe with lots of strength, love, and prayers he will beat it.
Please keep this wonderful family in your thoughts and prayers.
Sending ALL my love to the Rolands tonight.
xoxo
Anna

Thousands of years ... and it still stands true.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.


xoxo
Anna

Home ....

My girlfriend Claire reminded me on facebook how, very, much I adore this song.  It SO reminds me of my sweet Silas!!!!
Simply gorgeous:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AVGxdCwVVULXcy8Qv9sIRKAg2c8Fh9nr_h

"Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you

Holy roly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothin’ that I need

Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Chorus:
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
(2x)
La la la la, take me Home
Baby, I’m coming Home

I’ll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Moats & boats & waterfalls, alley ways & pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you

That’s true

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

And in the sticks we’re running free like it’s only you and me
Geez, you’re something to see.

Chorus

“Jade?”
“Alexander?”
“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”
“What didn’t you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.”
“Now I know.”

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home




Home is when I’m alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Moats & boats & waterfalls & pay phone calls

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you"



Lovely.
xoxo
Anna

"Silly Girls"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_ml27pscWY&feature=related

xoxo
Anna

Nearing the end of an AMAZING first week of kindergarten!

Silas has just thrived in his new school.  His adorable and kind teacher is juggling 24 kids ... and is doing it with an amount of grace that I couldn't muster if a GUN was held to my head.

She is, simply, amazing with these children.  The kids flock to her like moths to the, proverbial, flame.

Tomorrow will be his last day of his first week.  I cannot believe this week has gone by so quickly and he's settled in so well.  I'm just so, so proud of my Main Man.  He's dealt with quite a bit of loss and drama these past 5 years.  He rolls with the punches and makes many adults I know look like amateurs.

In my heart, I can't help but feel pain that he cannot call his Pappy and tell him about school.  I cannot tell my Dad what happened with Silas and how great he was.

The (first) greatest compliment after I had Silas was from my father:  "I want you to know that you are an amazing Mama."  I know I've posted it previously.  And, I know that that was an overly kind sentiment from my Dad, as I'm BY FAR not a Super Mama.  But it will, forever, be one of the most kind and monumental things anyone has said to me.
I just wish Pappy was here to see how amazing Silas, himself, is doing.  I don't claim that for myself.   If you know him, you'd know how much he is his own person.
That was the luck of the draw for me ... or the timing and genetics.

The little mister is an old, old soul.

I think he came out of the womb knowing that.
I'm so proud of him.
Way to go Mosey!

xoxo

Anna

Happy First Day of Kindergarten Sweet Silas!!!!!!

Dear God!!!!
  How did it come to this???  My sweet, sweet boy started kindergarten today.  We were both "okay" for the most part.  He teared up this morning while getting dressed.  It took ALL THE FIBERS OF MY BEING to stay calm and smile and say "You're gonna have much more fun at school than sitting around the house with the dogs and Mama, honey."
  It, also, helps that his teacher is frickin' adorable!  Mrs. Killin is a rockin' blond with an adorable smile and is a love-bug.
  Of course, we were the first there, as I was raised with an OVERLY anal sense of timing.  As much as I try to negate that, its doesn't work.  When I die, the funeral will be over by the time my peeps show up.
  Mrs. Killin remembered Silas' name immediately.  The flowers he brought to her last week were sitting on top of the big box of cubby holes for all the kids.  He thought that was pretty cool.  She's taken such good care of them.
  Oh ... and, I noticed Mrs. Killin has a tattoo on her foot.  Now, that doesn't mean that she is "cool."  I think that it means that she is probably a fairly "open" person.  I love that with educators.
  Silas' class is so, so very diverse.  Many ethnicities and religions, it's clear.
  So, all in all, I think we scored.
  We've gotten the most amazing calls, e-mails, texts, etc. from friends and family today.  We continue to be so blessed and carried by the beautiful souls in our world.
  I'm a thankful girl tonight.
  Wish us luck tomorrow.  You never know what will happen once a boy settles in and realizes he has a crush on his teacher.
  Shit!!!!
xoxo
Anna

Loverly music ...

From youtube ....
  Of course I don't own the rights.  But, sharing is good:


   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41R1jN26b4I


  Kate Nash is dreamy.


   
xoxo
Anna

... Childhood for my son ...

Mr. Silas met his kindergarten teacher today.  I have to say I was a nervous wreck to think about him going to school and the lot.
It was a big BBQ for the school.  Kids running around.  Parents chit chatting about which teachers were "the best" and who won the "teacher lottery" as I saw it.
As I'm not in the know at Briarcrest, I was just so thrilled to get him in the school.  So, when Kevin and I went to check out the kindergarten lists, we saw "Silas Schumacher" on Mrs. Killin's class list.  First off, we both laughed our asses off that his teacher is named Mrs. Killin.  I had a feeling, immediately, that I love her, considering that my first name is Dorcas.
We walked into the room (the biggest room in the school, I think) and there stands an adorable gal in her 20's ... parents and kids surrounding her.  At first, I thought she must be a teacher's assistant, as she looked so young.  Once I found out it was Mrs. Killin, I was ecstatic!   Young and thriving = passionate.
Kevin and I introduced ourselves and then Silas introduced himself and handed her a bouquet of flowers from our wild flower garden.  She said, "Well, he sure does know how to start out off on the right foot!"
I'm just so thrilled that instead of him pulling away ... as he has said he would do ... that he met her and hugged her neck so hard that I had to almost pull him off of her.
I found out from another mother ... that I had met weeks ago ... that not only are our kids in the same class, but that Mrs. Killin has had much experience and training with children with Aspergers and Autism.  Now, Silas is in no way affected by these spectrum diseases.  However, it DOES tell me that she has experience that trains her to be VERY intuitive, kind, and regimented with children.  Boys need that.  Kindergarteners needs that.  Silas is a grand boy.  But, boys will be boys ....
I'm just so, so thankful that he's with someone that has so, so much experience and (clearly) compassion for children.  I have a feeling that that will rub off on him this year.  A good lesson for him.
Plus, she's a cutie-pie, hottie-blondie that Silas will not counter ... as she's a babe!
Bless your heart Silas, she's gonna have you in the palm of her hand.
I couldn't be more happy.
Breath in, breath out.
Have a feeling Pappy was whispering to God on this one...
xoxo
Anna