In Trutina...

Was going through some music tonight ... as I'm up. Damn those afternoon naps with the boys. Don't nap often. But, when I do, I can write of going to bed by 10, 11, or 12am.
So, as I was listening to some of my favorite songs on youtube, one popped up: In Trutina.
When I was planning my wedding, my girlfriend Bhama helped me with the music. She was already on board to sing during the wedding and she'd lined up a pal to play the accordion. For some reason, as she was rifling through music, she happened upon "In Trutina" from the opera Carmina Burana. Not a song that is normally accompanied by an accordion. But she sang it to me and I was overcome. It's one of the most beautiful and sweet songs I've ever heard. I, simply, knew it was perfect. So, this became the song to which I would walk down the isle. Cue wedding: My sister bawled the entire way down the isle, as did everyone around us, just like I had done when I first heard this beautiful song.
Funny thing: I never knew the meaning of the lyrics until today.
Here's the link to a beautiful rendition (I chose Barbara Striesand's version) and following the link is the translation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3GTVpwlFWs&feature=related

In Trutina
(In Balance)

In my wavering balance
Desire fluctuates with modesty
But I choose what I see
I bow my neck to the yolk
For the burden is sweeter
after all
And so I take it upon me


xoxo
Anna

"Renascence" ...

Miss Edna ... again ...

But, sure, the sky is big, I said;
Miles and miles above my head;
So here upon my back I'll lie
And look my fill into the sky.
And so I looked, and, after all,
The sky was not so very tall.
The sky, I said, must somewhere stop,
And -- sure enough! -- I see the top!
The sky, I thought, is not so grand;
I 'most could touch it with my hand!
And reaching up my hand to try,
I screamed to feel it touch the sky.
[...]
The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky, —
No higher than the soul is high.
The heart can push the sea and land
Farther away on either hand;
The soul can split the sky in two,
And let the face of God shine through.
But East and West will pinch the heart
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat — the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.

xoxo
Anna

night of lovely music...

I've been hacking away at my computer tonight, looking up old music from shows that I've done. I happen to have been associated with some young directors in college that had a brilliant knowledge of music and most of those soundtracks have become soundtracks to my life. One of my favorites is by Dead Can Dance. Lisa Gerrard is their front-woman. It sounds a bit cooky, but she oftentimes makes up lyrics on the spot. Or, just writes the music and the lyrics end up being a made-up language of her own. I believe the idea is that the lyrics don't necessarily make the song ... it's how the music inspires you ... her voice DEFINITELY will.
One of my favorite is "Sanvean." It supposedly means "I am your shadow". She, again, supposedly wrote it when she was away from her family (in Australia) and missed them terribly. You won't be able to find lyrics to it. There are none ... no translation, that I can find. It's her own made-up language. But, its been covered by some of the most amazing singers out there.
I charge you to sit ... when all is quiet ... in your favorite place ... close your eyes ... and crank up the volume while listening to this beautifully haunting song.
I remember doing the same when I was a junior in college. Over and over. Simply gorgeous, haunting, but inspirational.
xoxo
Anna
edit to add the best video of Lisa Gerrard's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xpkRj99FH0

Kicking ass and accepting prayers ...

Just wanted to ask for your love, support, vibes, and prayers for my dear friend Elizabeth.
We found out last week that her breast cancer had metastasized to her brain . That's not the greatest of news, I know. However, the great news is that this is a confined ... AND SMALL ... area. This tumor is small enough that she had the option of doing gamma knife surgery. Which she did on Thursday. Gamma Knife surgery is a really acute and precise procedure. It's been known to eradicate cancer. Look at that, you bitch ... you just got eradicated!
When I found out about her news, I was HOT. PISSED. Just so, so, so heart broken for her. Oh ... and, again, pissed.
But, when I spoke with her, she reminded me of her nature. The person that I met and had this immediate bond with. Because, she is a strong woman. A woman that raises everyone up when they are sinking, as opposed to tying a rock to their ankles and acting like they were trying to save them. A woman that, no matter what the situation, will ALWAYS be the voice of reason and support. She's intelligent beyond compare. And, she cracks my ASS UP! Oh ... and, she's cool with my fondness of not wearing lots of clothes (i.e. "nekkid") when I'm hanging out with my girls.
So, Cancer, again you lose. Because, at the end of the day, you're getting your ASS WIPPED.
Just saying.
Loving on you E-Beth.
We ALL are.
xoxo
Cooch

FOUR years!

Ahhhhh ... my precious love. My Silas turned four today. My favorite number, actually.
Daddy, Mama, and Silas spent a beautiful day with Don, Grammie, Grandaddy, Noel, and Xan. We had a fabulous lunch at the Rainforest Cafe ... the same place he spent his 2nd birthday. At home, the gifts abounded. Clothes, toys, candy, games, DVDs, etc. But, Silas spent most of his time playing on the old Radio Flyer scooter that use to be his Uncle Levi's. It's been in his grandparents' garage for years ... as, Levi is, now, a freshman in college. But, now it's Silas'. And he is on that thing like flies on shite.
It's been a long year for my Mosey. And ... he has dealt with this year so gracefully. He is a constant reminder to me of how resilient and wise children can be. He's the most affectionate little boy I've ever know. He's a hard head. I cannot imagine that he got that from either of his parents. He is ALL about drawing pictures, and spelling stuffs, and music, and films, and his "band practice." Don't ask ... he's got all the names of everyone in the band and we're still trying to figure out why Margo doesn't like her boyfriend's car and stuff?????
Silas, I could not be more proud of you. Your kind heart. Your honesty. Your will to get it done. Your accepting nature. Your hard work. Your everything ...
Happy birthday, my sweet boy. I'm infinitely proud of you.
I love you.
xoxo
Mama

Mika love ...

Silas and I continually listen to Mika's new song which is the soundtrack to Kick Ass. Reminds me of the Young Survival Coalition and its plight. He has a bit of Freddy Mercury in his voice with this song. I cannot pull Silas away from youtube, as he has been obsessed with Mika for months now.

We are young
We are strong
We’re not looking for where we belong
We’re not cool
We are free
And we’re running with blood on our knees
We could rule the world
On a silver platter
From the wrong to the right light
To an open stream
With a crash and burn
We could make it better
Turn it upside down
Just you and me
We are the dream
No other way
To be
We are young
We are strong
We’re not looking for where we belong
We’re not cool
We are free
And we’re running with blood on our knees
I could change the world
I could make it better
Kick it up and down
Take a chance on me
When you fake a smile
And you think you’re better
Gonna put it down
Rip (…) it at your feet
No bridge to burn
Nowhere to turn
For me
We are young
We are strong
We’re not looking for where we belong
We’re not cool
We are free
And we’re running with blood on our knees
What do they know about us?
Are they thinking of somebody else?
www.musicloversgroup.com
Are they wondering what we might be?
Are they thinking of you or of me?
We are young
We are strong
We’re not looking for where we belong
We’re not cool
We are free
And we’re running with blood on our knees

xoxo
Anna

My hero Steve...

Got an e-mail today. One of the most heartbreaking of my life. But, it was also one of the most eloquent and beautiful.
My friend Steve Eldredge has been battling ALS for some years. Actually, he and I were diagnosed with our diseases around the same time. In any case, Steve has battled his disease for several years. Today, he notified his friends that he will be heading to hospice. He is in the final leg of his journey. He is a brave man and a beautiful soul.
I am sharing his e-mail, as it is too precious NOT to share. AND, I want to extend the request that, if you have some extra money to "gift", that you contact me at "dorcasanna@gmail.com" so that we all might be able to help a little or a LOT to his daughter's college fund.
Thank you.
Love you Steve.
xoxo
Anna
p.s. The following is his last entry.


Hello everybody,

This will be the final entry to my blog. The very last one! Please do me the honor of reading my blog. Click this link: http://learning-how-to-live.blogspot.com/
For those of you who don’t want to click the link, I have pasted the entry in the body of this email.

Goodbye ,
Steve


A Final Farewell

Have you ever thought about what you would say with your final words if given the opportunity? Have you even considered the concept? Well… I have. If you are reading this it’s suffice to say that this is the last thing I’ll ever say to you all. I am checking into Hospice House of Holland today, and without Devine intervention I probably won't be returning.

First, it has been an absolute pleasure knowing all of you. Thank you for being my friend. Please know that I never wanted to give-in to this horrible disease, I just finally wore down under the weight of the progressive nature of ALS. Slowly becoming a prisoner inside your own skin is no way for anybody to live. Add to that the financial burden of this disease and you have a recipe for disaster. Nobody should have to watch the financial, physical and mental toll being exacted upon their loved ones just to keep you comfortable. It’s not right!

It’s interesting what goes through your mind when you near the end of your life here on planet Earth. You would think that your accomplishments might be an area of focus, but that’s not the case at all, they are more like fun things I did during my lifetime, nothing more. Personal accomplishments, like material things, really don’t amount to much, though it would have been nice to leave my wife in a slightly better position.

As for regrets… I think it’s ridiculous to even go down that road. Life is full of lessons. I think it is called maturity where you learn from your mistakes. I will however admit that I wish I would have spent more time volunteering to help those less fortunate than me, particularly where teaching my children to do the same is concerned.

Dying a slow death gives you the ability to have long conversations with GOD. No, he didn't speak directly to me, that would have scared the daylights out of me, and GOD knew that. But I was given signs.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. “
Mark Twain

GOD gives us many gifts, and the ability to forgive is one of the big ones. Many of you know I love to quote Mark Twain, and I love the above quote. The profound validity of that quote says it all, such beautiful prose. I have forgiven all who have trespassed against me, and I pray that I have been forgiven by all whom I have trespassed against.

I’m at a loss for words at the moment (that doesn’t happen very often). Uhm… at the risk of leaving someone out, I want to thank the many family members and friends who provided us with financial support, without your assistance things would have been much more difficult. Thank you to all my neighbors who helped with the outdoor and indoor chores here at my home. Many thanks to Hospice of Holland, whose diligence in providing care for me is greatly appreciated. Thank you to ALS Association of Western Michigan.

Tell me… would you find it tacky if I asked those who are inclined to donate to my daughter’s college fund? It’s the only method I have available to me to help provide for her college education. Hmmm… I guess it is tacky.

My memorial service and burial will be in SLC, UT. Contact my wife, Carol, using my email address, if you would like more information. Please note, Carol won’t return your calls or emails until she has the answers (after I pass away).

Before I end this blog with the traditional song de jour (and I have a beauty), I wrote this poem.

Walking in an illustrated meadow
Many pictures present themselves
Yet, they avoid capture
Sightings of man, and their many accomplishments
Visions of machines, their many creations
And destructions
Changes in nature, rewarding itself with its ability to adapt

Crossing to the center
All emotions are displayed
Ancient and childlike
All things remembered, and forgotten
Recalling a ray of sunshine on a summer day
A blissful reliance on a prayer “GODS Speed”

Underneath it all
The keepers are there
Waiting to guide us through ourselves
Did we cry for those who cannot?
Did we laugh at ourselves?
Is your happiness a contrived illusion from man?
Or a gift from GOD?

Journeying on
The illustrations fade
Built by everyone
Meant for no one
What did they say?

If your intentions were pure
You will know the meaning of love
Welcome

Title: illustrated meadow
By: Steve Eldredge


Once again, I have relied upon the genius of Eric Clapton to supply a fitting song to end my blog.

I pray GOD blesses you all.


I have finally found a way to live just like I never could before.
I know that I don't have much to give, but I can open any door.
Everybody knows the secret, everybody knows the score.
I have finally found a way to live in the color of the Lord.

I have finally found a place to live just like I never could before.
And I know I don't have much to give, but soon I'll open any door.
Everybody knows the secret, everybody knows the score.
I have finally found a place to live in the presence of the Lord.
In the presence of the Lord.

I have finally found a way to live just like I never could before.
And I know I don't have much to give, but I can open any door.
Everybody knows the secret, I said everybody knows the score.
I have finally found a way to live in the colour of the Lord.
In the colour of the Lord.

Song: In The Presence Of The Lord
Written by: Eric Clapton, 1969
Performed by: Blind Faith

Goodbye, may GOD bless you!

Steve

Still settling in...

Dear Lord, where to begin?
Silas and I flew out of Seattle on a 1:00am flight bound for Charlotte on the 25th (I think). We got in and couldn't even BEGIN to get the rental car, as there where about 40 people sitting in the waiting area looking like they were about to bum rush the asshole (and they were) employees at Hertz at the Charlotte airport. So, Silas, Allison, and I decided we'd make a go for the car in the following morning and proceeded to head home. Ahhhhhh ... home. To smell the pines and the pastures. To see all my family and all their smiles, taste their kisses ... in a completely NON-incestuous manner ... and to be able to catch up was fabulous. Only thing, I had been coming down with a cold for a few days. By mid-day Thursday, I wasn't sounding so good. By the evening, I ended up with a refund on my rental car, as they STILL weren't able to pull their heads outta their asses.
I called my girls in Atlanta and told them that I wasn't too certain that I'd be able to make the conference, between the car and my cold. At that point, I could barely speak.
Well, they were having none of it. About an hour later, I got a call from the gang basically saying "Get your ass to Budget at 10:00am tomorrow. You have a car reserved. We expect to see you here tomorrow." Well, what is a girl to do when her dearest pals hand her her own ass? Well, she goes back to the airport the following morning and throws her credit card at the Budget folk and says, "I believe you've been expecting me."
No. Seriously, they were so nice and had my car ready for me within about 20 minutes. The rates were very comparable to those of Hertz. And, off I went. Left Charlotte, stopped by a Cracker Barrel for lunch, and then into Atlanta. What a sight it was to see all my ladies back home ... in the South. We had the most amazing time. Well, what I remember of it.
On Sunday, I got up early, kissed my sleeping beauties and headed to Charleston. The drive takes about 5 and a half hours. A LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG five and a half hours. But, I was "lucky" enough to find two bare-able CDs at a truck stop: Eddie Money and Cheap Trick. That was the sound track for my trip ... and now for my nephew in Charleston who has become an Eddie Money fan, much to his parent's chagrin. To be driving those same highways again is so surreal. The same roads that rode upon as a little girl and upward. The pastures, the pines, the wooden crosses, the drivers that don't have their heads in their asses ... then, the smell of the marshes of Charleston. I so miss the smell of the pluff mud.
Charleston was amazing. I had the most fabulous time with Angi, Matthew, and the kids. We (the 3 adults) got tattoos of one of our favorite memories from our childhood together: "Sliding Rock." I stole half of Angi's closet, some cd's, and a picture off of their wall. I really needed it for my new place. So...........
Back in York, I met back up with my little man. Silas had been having a ball. He was excited to see me, but quickly ran off to continue playing with Uncle Shane's Wii. Again, we're Southern ... but not THAT Southern.
Mama is healing very well and she was "treated" to a surprise girls' night on the Friday before we left. I'll not share what that party entailed. Let's just say that it starts with a "P" and rhymes with bromance.
Silas and I had the most amazing trip. We miss everyone already and are already planning our next visit.
To spend such a fabulous few weeks with so many amazing friends and family is just what the Dr. ordered.
I couldn't be more blessed.
xoxo
Anna

Chucktown...

A few more from Cancer Land Conference...

Weeeeee're Baaaaaaaaack ...

Oh hell ... I'm still trying to settle in and get caught up on my West Coast timing after Silas' and my long flight(s) back home late last night. Needless to say, we got settled into bed early this AM. So, I'm sharing with you, tonight, some pics of our most fabulous trip to Atlanta with my Cancer-Club ladies. More stories and pics to follow about my road-tripping hither and yon. But, it was an amazing visit with family and friends. I'll update later.
xoxo
Anna